As I socialized privately in my own domain, abode if you will, I received a phone call from someone that I just happen to love, not any old run of the mill ordinary love, but a LOVE that has spanned 30 years . Anyway, he was crying and I automatically went into "take care of my man mode". As I asked what was wrong , he proceeded to paint me a picture of 16 years with his former wife. You see he was finally closing the chapter of that 16 year time period and he was grieving. I recognized it immediately,but he didn't. Strange. Peculiar. Surreal. It caught me completely off guard. I had to switch from "woman" mode to friendship mode and listen. Initially, I offered no advice, which caught him off guard. He asked periodically was I ok. So I said yes. I lied, but I needed to in order to give him the honest perspective that he needed and desired. At that moment, he didn't need the woman who loved him, he needed the friendship that has endured for 30 plus years. He needed his best friend...me. He said he called me because he knew that I would pull him out of what he was feeling. So I talked him through what he was feeling and again I listened.I listened to his heart, his mind and his spirit. They were all grieving. He has been divorced for a year and half, but closure was something they both avoided. They had loose ends to tie up and neither one figured that it would be any time soon. So, the time came and they were both forced to deal, accept and move on. Now mind you, I too went through a divorce around the same time frame as he did, but neither one of us new that we both going through a divorce. Fate, not sure.
Well, as I sit here at work, pondering, contemplating, and even with myself debating of the events from last night. I have to be honest, it saddens me. I know that this is my forum to vent and express, but as I try and yes, struggle to write this, I find myself holding back because I don't want to be selfish or jealous on some level. If I don't express it then it doesn't exist. I want this man to have only felt love for me. Damn, I said it. It hurts me to see him grieving over his ex-wife. Ok, now that I have said it what in the hell do I do with these feelings? Nothing. Simply nothing. I can't nor, will I try compete with the memory of his ex-wife. Marriages end for reasons. Mind certainly did. He deserves his time to grieve. Just as I did. So...awkward moment this morning as we spoke. Neither one of us brought up 'lastnight". I recognized the "running for the hills" tone in my voice. Sterile yet loving. The elephant in the room was squeezing us both out of the room yet wouldn't allow us to just ignore him. So we did what we do best when we are talking or in the company of each other....laugh and love each other. He had a moment and I was glad that he chose me to lean on.
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