Saturday, May 18, 2013

16 years ....30 years....

As I socialized privately in my own domain, abode if you will, I received a phone call from someone that I just happen to love, not any old run of the mill ordinary love, but a LOVE that has spanned 30 years . Anyway, he was crying and I automatically went into "take care of my man mode". As I asked what was wrong , he proceeded to paint me a picture of 16 years with his former wife. You see he was finally closing the chapter of that  16 year time period and he was grieving. I recognized it immediately,but he didn't. Strange. Peculiar. Surreal. It caught me completely off guard. I had to switch from "woman" mode to friendship mode and listen. Initially, I offered no advice, which caught him off guard. He asked periodically was I ok. So I said yes. I lied, but I needed to in order to give him the honest perspective that he needed and desired. At that moment, he didn't need the woman who loved him, he needed the friendship that has endured for 30 plus years. He needed his best He said he called me because he knew that I would pull him out of what he was feeling. So I talked him through what he was feeling and again I listened.I listened to his heart, his mind and his spirit. They were all grieving. He has been divorced for a year and half, but closure was something they both avoided. They had loose ends to tie up and neither one figured that it would be any time soon. So, the time came and they were both forced to deal, accept and move on. Now mind you, I too went through a divorce around the same time frame as he did, but neither one of us new that we both going through a divorce. Fate, not sure.
Well, as I sit here at work, pondering, contemplating, and even with myself debating of the events from last night. I have to be honest, it saddens me. I know that this is my forum to vent and express, but as I try and yes, struggle to write this, I find myself holding back because I don't want to be selfish or jealous on some level. If I don't express it then it doesn't exist. I want this man to have only felt love for me. Damn, I said it. It hurts me to see him grieving over his ex-wife. Ok, now that I have said it what in the hell do I do with these feelings? Nothing. Simply nothing. I can't nor, will I try compete with the memory of his ex-wife. Marriages end for reasons. Mind certainly did. He deserves his time to grieve. Just as I did. So...awkward moment this morning as we spoke. Neither one of us brought up 'lastnight". I recognized the "running for the hills" tone  in my voice. Sterile yet loving. The elephant in the room was squeezing us both out of the room yet wouldn't allow us to just ignore him. So we did what we do best when we are talking or in the company of each other....laugh and love each other. He had a moment and I was glad that he chose me to lean on.

Friday, April 13, 2012

One year, 5 months and 13 days

One year, 5 months and 13 days of unemployment. No matter how I try to spin it in my head, there is nothing positive about. Unemployed is unemployed. Unemployed equates to no money, no bills being paid, no eating, no home, no security, nothing but despair. I don't want to write this particular blog. I have been avoiding this for one year, 5 months and 13 days. So why today? Today is the first day in a long time that I actually felt like I did nothing wrong. I secured my future financially, I wasn't reckless in my finances. I was on the "stroll" as my friends and me affectionately called our places of employment. I lived for the "stroll". The "stroll" was good to me!!! I was able to sustain my myself on savings for one year, 5 months and 13 days. So how did I end up here? I could blame the economy, I could blame the Busch administration, I could blame the Obama administration,or I could blame life. Hell, I could blame myself, but the simple fact is that I am here. Here! Here doesn't look or feel too good. I feel like I am on a mall map that tells you "you are here" in the grand scheme of things. My life has been designated with a location marker that says "You are here"....really? I don't need the reminder, but it is a truth for me. A truth for one year, 5 months and 13 days. The one consistent truth in my life as of now. So.....where do I go from here? Up!!!!! I know it sounds cliche -ish, but I'm going up. The phoenix will rise from the fire. (I really think that this has fueled my creative juices.) Hell...I felt good writing that. Let me write it again...I will rise from the fire triumphantly and secure my position back in the world of the employed. Funny...a good friend of mine says that I should be using this time to write and develop if you will, my craft. Well, like any good writer, I had "writers block". Now, if I really want to be honest, I didn't think that I had anything to say that meant anything. You see, I am a person who doesn't lack confidence, some would even say that I exude confidence ,but when I lost my job I lost my confidence. I became what I hated. I became "a person who didn't have anything, but their job to give them meaning in life". Sounds familiar and sad huh? Well, all I had was my job to bring me joy. My marriage was in shambles, we were living true separate lives. Me in my room and him in his. We functioned like married roommates.We socialized like married people, but once we were out of the radar or cross hairs of friends and family, we lived like strangers. We gave each other the courtesy and respect, but none the less living separate lives. Why do I want to break out into a Phil Collin's song "Separate Lives"? Or even "'On my own"? I digress. So..... where does that leave me now? I will be divorced in a couple of months. I'm still unemployed, but I am happy as hell, that I have regained me. Oh, don't get me wrong, ending my marriage has affected me, but we are better off as friends. Long story. We function better as friends. So once again, where does that leave me? Living my life, being truly happy, finding love again one day and yes experience "carpe diem". I vowed that 2012 was going to be a wonderful year. So far it has been. Despite the setbacks. Another good friend of mine says " a setback is a set up for a comeback". Greg Leakes from " The Real Housewives of Atlanta said, "take a stumbling block and turn it into a stepping stone". My favorite of them all is is from a very special friend who says "it's all good".  Words to live by! Yes, I know that I am still unemployed, but that picture is beginning to look up. Sometimes we need a kick in our pants to remember who we were to become who we were really meant to be. I live a blessed life, rich in friends, family and I have me to hold on to. I don't know when I will be back, but rest assured I will. Damn....I can't get that song "Own my own" out of my head. Hell, I am going  to embrace it and sing in my fashion ...loud and proud. "Own my own, once again......
This is A Bottom Named Reach Around and this is my view.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Lamilton Taeshawn

Lamilton Taeshawn, a name that really shouldn't have any meaning to anyone. You see he isn't real although he is modeled after a little delinquent that made the news and shamed African Americans. Anyway, he is an animated character on the Adult Swim series,"The Boondocks". For those of you who are familiar with "The Boondocks" cable series and its subject content, knows that it screams controversy. Hell, I started looking at the series for that reason. For those who are of the faint of heart, I suggest that you not even waste your time watching the series. You need to have a thick skin and not view things as strictly black and white. There are shades of gray and they are extremely hilarious. I digress. Back to Lamilton Taeshawn. He is an 8 yr old little boy that to put it simply is  psychotic. I won't even mince words. He is dangerous, scary and I wouldn't leave anything living in his presence. On second thought, if there is someone or something that you wanted to dispose of or to disappear then Lamilton Taeshawn is your little man. Does that answer any of your questions?
As I sat watching the episode, drinking my Mogen David Blackberry Wine (don't act like you don't know. Atleast it wasn't MD20/20). (Mogen David 20/20 for those of who aren't familar with the finer spirits of yester year) I was oddly hysterical with laughter. OK, let's get this out of the way, I know that children are gifts from God and that they are our future (enter Whitney Houston....pre-crack) yada, yada, yada. Whitney Houston .....what a shame...bygones. Anyway, I don't really think that it's a good idea to depend on the youth of today to be our hope for tomorrow. I'll take my chance in hell. Harsh, but true. Lamilton Taeshawn beat his grandmother down because she would not purchase him fried chicken. He stole her car and wreaked havoc and mayhem in his neighborhood.  He even stole his grandmother's gun and shot Riley's neighbors' dog. When asked why he did all of those  horrific, heinous acts, his response "I like doing bad and unhealthy things". And to add insult to injury, he smoked cigarettes non mentholated (boy, do I miss cigarettes). Yet, his grandmother continued to sing of his praise and goodness despite her beat down. She moaned and preached that his environment shaped and formed him into a menacing, psychotic, crazed, delinquent of a little boy. Pause, now breathe. Really? Many of you will probably disagree with me on this, but I say lock his little butt up and throw away the key. Reform.....hell no. Granted it's only an animated series, but we all know a Lamilton Taeshawn. When I'm out in public and see a "Lamilton Taeshawn", I pray that he or she receives the beat down that they deserve. Reasonable beat down if that is possible. (we all know that a beat down comes varying degrees) Do you remember a couple of years ago when the mother was caught on camera beating her child ? The only mistake she made was getting caught. The whole world failed to see that there are 3 sides to every story, the mother's side, the child's side and what really happened that lead up to that beating. I was not shocked. I guarantee you the child was acting up.....BEAT HER (Color Purple)
Accountability must come into play. The child should accept responsibility(accept their beat down), and so should the delinquent parents . There is no perfect home environment. I will call you a liar if you say so. I believe that there are normal dysfunctional families. There is a simple formula: Crazy antics+issues+love+fights and arguments+beatings= normal dysfunctional. I believe that setting boundaries and scheduling beatings. Yes, scheduled beating. Put the fear of God into those little crumb snatchers. Let them know who is boss, who pays the bills, who brought them into the world and who is going to take them out. Now is not the time to be your child's friend. Be their protector and hero. Be their friend when they get the hell out of your house and stop asking you for money. Now that is friendship.That is love. They may not thank you now, but when they are adults and have not visited a jail other than to bail someone else out (hopefully) they will thank you. So in closing, I say if you see a Lamilton Taeshawn, thank God that the child doesn't belong to you and if you have any sympathy for the parent...slip the parent your belt and be the look out for them. It is your civic duty.
This is a Bottom Named Reach Around and this is my view.

Monday, January 17, 2011

A View from The Bottom

Welcome to my first blog. As I  write this, I'm struggling with the idea of me actually doing this. This has been a long time in the works. But I'm no stranger to procrastination. As a matter of fact, WE are quite intimate...sexual if you will. But that is another blog. A good friend of mine has been encouraging me for a while to do this, but as you know .....procrastination always seems to rear it's evil  little head. I actually managed to fit this in between R.O.O. and watching my soap operas. So here I go......
About an hour ago, I was ranting to my friend about the Arizona shootings. Now allow me to preface, my heart goes out to the survivors and the people who didn't survive. I know that this is a tragic time for our country and I  being an individual who can be extremely sensitive on one hand and on the other hand brutally blunt. I am wondering when the talk about this tragedy is going to seize. I am sick and tired of hearing about it. Diane Sawyer is actually going to do a story on this woman's life and her astronaut husband. My friend said that there will have to be something news worthy that trumps this tragedy. Sad but true. I don't await the next new tragedy,but what about a juicy scandal. I need a juicy scandal to help me forget this. In all honesty, I really don't want to hear about Giffrords' life . She was a relatively unknown congresswoman who just happened to become the target of a mad man.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but can I get a juicy scandal to help make things feel normal. She will get a book deal, Lifetime  movie, interviews, all of the networks will jump through hoops to be the first in obtaining her interview . Oh I'm not jealous. Far from it. Just saddened that this moment in her life will never be private. She will never be able to lick her wounds and heal in private. She will have her 15 minutes of fame forced on her whether she wants it or not. She wasn't given an option even after the tragedy. No one stood up for her and said " Once she heals, she will make the decisions on how she handles all of the press and hoopla". Her husband should have been the person to speak for her because she couldn't. By the way...he was doing what he suppose to do...STAND BY HER. Not an act of heroism. I think that Gabrielle Gifford's is a very strong individual to overcome this tragedy...but there are other tragedies in our world that warrant the news coverage and press. I don't make light of this tragedy, it should have been given proper coverage, but in all honesty this is just another day that something goes wrong .. horribly wrong. Human life is cherished and yes her life is cherished and valuable.We will rebound from this tragedy rest assured.
This is a Bottom Named Reach Around and this is my view.